A Little Bundle of……. Well, now what?

They talk a lot about postpardum. Don’t shake your baby, watch for signs, the difference between baby blues. But going through it, phew. 

My son came in with a bang. Swallowed and inhaled his own shit. Perfect first life lesson right? But that meant a week in th NICU, and of course jaundice as well. It was the scarriest, most stressful time of my life. To see all the wires and tubes coming out of him. I couldn’t help but to blame myself. 

Unfortunatly, the storm was just beginning. 

First night home he threw the biggest fit I have ever seen. It was scary, and we couldn’t calm him down. I felt so disconnected and like a horrible mother. I didn’t know what he wanted, I couldn’t stay calm enough to calm him. 

I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like a failure and hated myself for it. Daddy Bee was in the shower, baby was screaming his head off in my arms, and I was balling my eyes out. My best friend came over and I handed him over to her. Her was calm in seconds. It was that moment that my entire insides shattered, though I was and still am very grateful she came when she did.

I had to go stay at my parents after that. I couldn’t handle my baby blues myself. But that in itself brought a whole new string of problems.

Xoxo Mama Bee

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Memories

Well, night 2 of little sleep due to an angry baby.He usually does a 3 night cycle when his daddy Bee leaves town on busniess. 

Yessss, one more night!!!!  Please stick to routine kid, Mama is tired! 😂😂😂

As I sit here and wait for the sun to rise and the baby to figure out if he is awake or asleep, I think of my memories.

Not just any memories, but the memories of my childhood. Reaching back as far as I can there are some that are clear and others that are all fuzzy. 

The earliest I can remember back to was when my dad was with my little sister’s mom and her two daughters lived with us. A total of 2 adults, 4 girls, 1 dog, 3 bedroom apartment in the ghetto. 

Thinking on it now, there arn’t a lot of good memories from that time. I was around 5ish. Seeing it all as an adult now, as my own person, thank the lord I came out. 

To give a basic outline of what I remember is my dad playing guitar and singing for me. Sneaking beers and cigerettes with my sisters, trying to break in and steal candy from the apartment office, my sister using me as a cover after setting a dumpster on fire, my dad cheating on my little sisters mom with my step mom. And it gets worse.

The guy from the next building was babysitting. I had a little kid crush on him, my step sister at the time told me to go ask for a kiss. I did, and pestered him a little bit before he put my hands in his lap on top of his dick and kissed me innappropriatly. Of course, at the time, us little girls thought it was the greatest thing.

So, when a boy, just a little bit older than me, who i will explain more about later, asked if i wanted to have sex, why wouldn’t I say yes? I was so excited to tell my step sister. Luckily, we were young and stupid. He just laid on top of me naked, and I still had my swinsuit on. And luckily, my step sister decided that it went too far and told my dad.

My dad was scary, even then. But never really towards me. I was his little princess. At that time, I was still untouchable. 

And I haven’t even gotten into what I remeber with my mom, let alone simple facts I know. And I haven’t gone older than 5.

Xoxo Mama Bee

Just Before The Arrival….

 My mom showed up at the hospital. If you need a prime example for a used up, drug addicted ex stripper you have my mom. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my mama with all my heart, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the truth. I put her at arms length away a long time ago. 

The deal was she could come if she wasn’t high. Of course she showed up high (later denys it as usual) and covered in dirt. Gross. Whatever. She kept her distance and didn’t cause a scene. The looks from the nurses though……. I was huniliated and ashamed. 

Where To Begin

I suppose at least a little backround is in order. We will start with just before I had my baby, he is almost 5 months. It’s about to get real very quickly. 
My sister came  into town a month or so before I was supposed to have my Bee. It was apparent that she was on drugs. I caught her going through mmy mail stack, called her on it, caught her with my mail in her hand just walking walking around (like what?), called her on it, then my hair stuff came up missing.  And, not even getting into how she was treating his son, and the obvious neglect by her. Lack of connection, unhealthy interractions. 

When she left, paraphernalia was found in her work apron she left at our parents house. My step mom could have sworn she was doing drugs in their bathroom.

Things blew up in a horrible mess. She isn’t stupid, and caught wind of things. By the time CPS was called, she cleaned up her pit of house, put on a front, and that was that.

As I’m in the hospital in labor she calls me to tell me her mom is on drugs and selling them. This is common knowledge. The way I see it is that she was trying to get the attention off her. And then she has the nerve to say she didn’t know I was in labor when I had texted hours earlier, not to mention it being on fb.

So, I guess that’s where the most recent chaos of my life started. Hold on, this is going to be one hell of ride.

Xoxo Mama Bee

A side note…..



The disease of addiction is no joke. Most of my family fights it everyday. It completly changes the person it over takes. If you know anyone, or struggle yourself, your not alone, and it’s ok to reach out. If anything, I get it. Better than most. 

Xoxo Mama Bee

Well…..here it goes….

To be honest, I have no clue what I’m doing. All I know is that I have a lot to say. A friend of mine is always saying I should have cameras following my life. But  guess everyone says that in that in their group. Can’t blame them, people are interesting. Shout out to #peoplewatching
I’m not going to sit here and give you an “about me” explaination. This your chance to #peoplewatch and get to know me through my experiences. May the force be with you. 

Xoxo Mama Bee