A Little Bundle of……. Well, now what?

They talk a lot about postpardum. Don’t shake your baby, watch for signs, the difference between baby blues. But going through it, phew. 

My son came in with a bang. Swallowed and inhaled his own shit. Perfect first life lesson right? But that meant a week in th NICU, and of course jaundice as well. It was the scarriest, most stressful time of my life. To see all the wires and tubes coming out of him. I couldn’t help but to blame myself. 

Unfortunatly, the storm was just beginning. 

First night home he threw the biggest fit I have ever seen. It was scary, and we couldn’t calm him down. I felt so disconnected and like a horrible mother. I didn’t know what he wanted, I couldn’t stay calm enough to calm him. 

I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like a failure and hated myself for it. Daddy Bee was in the shower, baby was screaming his head off in my arms, and I was balling my eyes out. My best friend came over and I handed him over to her. Her was calm in seconds. It was that moment that my entire insides shattered, though I was and still am very grateful she came when she did.

I had to go stay at my parents after that. I couldn’t handle my baby blues myself. But that in itself brought a whole new string of problems.

Xoxo Mama Bee

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