Easter for Babies

So, as we take a look around for Bee’s very first Easter basket it quickly became clear that Easter is not baby friendly.

I had taken a look at some baby Easter baskets online but didn’t like how small they were. Only a couple items.

At this point my fiance and I look at each other and he brings up why it should even matter. He won’t remember and probably will have no idea what is going on anyway.

The thing is, it does matter. He gets just as excited as we do when he gets something new. So, we can put together a few dollar items. Works out because that is way cheaper anyway. However the gifts are not even the important thing.

What really matters is that when my fiance and I wake up Easter morning super excited and get him out of bed, he will feel our excitement so of course he will be too. The 3 of us sitting around the basket with Calypso faithfully at our side will be a moment of pure happiness for our little Bee. Nothing makes him happier than all of us together. 

Later in life we will remember the day. We will look at pictures and laugh at the same things. Bee will hear the story of his first Easter. He will hear the love and family that will fill our day. That is why it’s important. 

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what he will remember in a day, week, year ect. What matters is that he feels the love, excitment, and joy of the holiday today. 

XoXo Mama Bee

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I Know I am Worth Something

Yet again I come to my parents house to cry on the porch. It seems to happen more often than not.

Sure, my Dad means well, in some sort of way. If his words weren’t so cruel and empty it might actually mean something. 

I have tried my hardest to get to where I am. With no help from him. He would give me empty promises of helping but never come through. He has continually manipulated my life to keep me down.

No matter how many times I get back up and succeed he tries to put me down again. Now that I am engaged its a whole new ball game.

He expects my man to handle everything and keep me in controll. He says as a joke for me to sit there and look pretty then wants to tell me his concerned for my future. That I don’t have a plan. That at almost 25 he is concerned I don’t have a GED. When I remind hin that when I lived in CA I was taking classes until he stranded me back in WA.

Of course he had nothing to say to that. Instead proceeds to tell me how we won’t be able to make it on a 1 income family and I won’t be able to get a job anywhere.

Right. Because for the last 10 months I haven’t been feeding my child. I haven’t bathed him. I haven’t taught him anything. Every day, every week, and even the times it would be a month my fiance was gone, I didn’t do a damn thing. No cleaning, no cooking, hell I didn’t even walk the dog.

I just want to go home. I know I am worth something. I know I do the best I can with the hand delt to me. I just wish I didn’t have to go through the rest of the evening. Wish me luck.

XoXo Mama Bee

People Come and People Go

Something I had always heard, even before pregnancy, was that people lost friends over having a baby. When I got pregnant, I didn’t think much of it because I really only had one friend at the time.

I had gone through a huge change in my life, and with that I cut ties with most everyone I knew. When your whole community is the homeless community, but you are no longer homeless, it is time to find more like minded people.

My one friend that I did have, she has 2 children. She understood exactly what I was going through. She was with me through every step of my pregnancy. I called myself her side kick. We went everywhere together. My anxiety was so bad I couldn’t go anywhere by myself and she supported me the whole. Even though our friendship had just started I never thought it would fade so quickly.

After I had the baby she came around less and less. Stopped answering phone calls, I was lucky to get a text back. She just kept saying that she was busy with work and was sorry. I know she had a lot of home stuff going on, and she closes up when she goes through hard times. Understanding this, I did everything I could think of to make sure that even though she wasn’t talking to me she was in my thoughts and I missed her.

Her boyfriend is the owner of the buisness my hubby works at, and she is the admin. We helped them open their office. Recently some drama came about with another employee and my name got dragged through the mud. Exactly how or who, I am not sure. No one will talk to me about it but everyone has something to say to my man. Despite our strained friendship, I stuck up for her and had her best interest when no one else did.

My heart shattered when she accused my man I of stealing. The company pays the rent, when a card is saved to our apartment’s account it is a 2 button push payment. We are responsible for paying the water. My hubby accidentially clickes their card, and she blew up. Did not once ask what happened or what was going on. Just outright accused us.

I tried almost all day to talk to her. Make sure she got her money back and talk about why she would just go off like that. We have had problems of similar nature, except it was me at risk, and I just asked her what was going on. I wanted to know why she couldn’t do that for me. Why she keeps pushing me away.

Well, she said to bring the money by her house whenever since she wouldn’t be there. Well she was there, “sleeping”. My impression is that she wouldn’t come out of her room. I know for a fact she is not so deep a sleeper that someone trying to wake her for 5 minutes can’t.

She wouldn’t even face me. I just lost my best friend, the one who is supposed to my sons godmother and my maid of honor. I am truley heartbroken.

XoXo Mama Bee

Co-Sleeping

Some say do it, some say don’t. We didn’t, and it breaks my heart.💕

The doctors say its safer, and that is all we want. But when all you want to is sit lay down with your little baby boy and nap, but he won’t do it because your bed is not associated with bed time really sucks. He had to be taken to his crib and yes I did cry.

Everyone is up for their own opinion and I am cool with whatever anyone wants to do. I just want to cuddle my baby. I want him to see my bed as a safe and relaxing place he can come to get cuddles.

All he sees now when he comes in is play time. Bounce time. Sometimes bottle time. I at least get snuggles in bed if he is eating. I guess thats a start. 

The point is, this sucks. I mean, you see the pics. Who wouldn’t want to nap with that Ginger cutie?💕

XoXo Mama Bee

“Old Lady Pills”

So, as I have gotteb older, I have found that in my spare moments to drink and “turn up” it does not work out the same when I was younger. 💕 It’s called a hangover. And my goodness it can destroy the world of a new mom. 💕 Picture the worst headache you can ever […]

An Ode to Mornings

One of the best things in the world is that, when my fiance is not home, I bring Bee into bed and we cuddle f0r a half hour. Every morning

Now, I hate mornings. I have never been a morning person. Most morning I feel sick until about noon. Never thought I would actually enjoy waking up.

But alas, I had my little bundle of joy and now I look forward to our good morning cuddles. Aaaaan now this little bundle of joy is banging everything site. Time for coffee. 

Xoxo Mama Bee

Lonely

A lot of times, I sit here in my porch at the end of the day. When it’s quiet after the babe goes to bed. I get overcome with loneliness. Man on a buisness trip, friends have their own lives. It sucks. 

I suppose it is better to not dwell in the emotion. For this reaccuring moment of lonliness, I am surrounded by people who love and care for me. I guess I really should put my focus there.

Xoxo Mama Bee

#momlife

💕 So life has been crazy. I meant to blog more, but I guess I got kind of stuck. I guess that is what I get trying to shape it insteadnof just writing my thoughts. 💕 At this point, Little Bee is 9 months. I can’t sit for 5 minutes without him getting into something. He has grown so fast, and as proud as I am, it makes me so sad. 💕 To top it off, he won’t let me hold his bottle anymore. Breaks my heart. 💕 But seriously, how does anyone find time for anything with kids? 😂😂😂 💕

Xoxo Mama Bee

A Little Bundle of……. Well, now what?

They talk a lot about postpardum. Don’t shake your baby, watch for signs, the difference between baby blues. But going through it, phew. 

My son came in with a bang. Swallowed and inhaled his own shit. Perfect first life lesson right? But that meant a week in th NICU, and of course jaundice as well. It was the scarriest, most stressful time of my life. To see all the wires and tubes coming out of him. I couldn’t help but to blame myself. 

Unfortunatly, the storm was just beginning. 

First night home he threw the biggest fit I have ever seen. It was scary, and we couldn’t calm him down. I felt so disconnected and like a horrible mother. I didn’t know what he wanted, I couldn’t stay calm enough to calm him. 

I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like a failure and hated myself for it. Daddy Bee was in the shower, baby was screaming his head off in my arms, and I was balling my eyes out. My best friend came over and I handed him over to her. Her was calm in seconds. It was that moment that my entire insides shattered, though I was and still am very grateful she came when she did.

I had to go stay at my parents after that. I couldn’t handle my baby blues myself. But that in itself brought a whole new string of problems.

Xoxo Mama Bee

Memories

Well, night 2 of little sleep due to an angry baby.He usually does a 3 night cycle when his daddy Bee leaves town on busniess. 

Yessss, one more night!!!!  Please stick to routine kid, Mama is tired! 😂😂😂

As I sit here and wait for the sun to rise and the baby to figure out if he is awake or asleep, I think of my memories.

Not just any memories, but the memories of my childhood. Reaching back as far as I can there are some that are clear and others that are all fuzzy. 

The earliest I can remember back to was when my dad was with my little sister’s mom and her two daughters lived with us. A total of 2 adults, 4 girls, 1 dog, 3 bedroom apartment in the ghetto. 

Thinking on it now, there arn’t a lot of good memories from that time. I was around 5ish. Seeing it all as an adult now, as my own person, thank the lord I came out. 

To give a basic outline of what I remember is my dad playing guitar and singing for me. Sneaking beers and cigerettes with my sisters, trying to break in and steal candy from the apartment office, my sister using me as a cover after setting a dumpster on fire, my dad cheating on my little sisters mom with my step mom. And it gets worse.

The guy from the next building was babysitting. I had a little kid crush on him, my step sister at the time told me to go ask for a kiss. I did, and pestered him a little bit before he put my hands in his lap on top of his dick and kissed me innappropriatly. Of course, at the time, us little girls thought it was the greatest thing.

So, when a boy, just a little bit older than me, who i will explain more about later, asked if i wanted to have sex, why wouldn’t I say yes? I was so excited to tell my step sister. Luckily, we were young and stupid. He just laid on top of me naked, and I still had my swinsuit on. And luckily, my step sister decided that it went too far and told my dad.

My dad was scary, even then. But never really towards me. I was his little princess. At that time, I was still untouchable. 

And I haven’t even gotten into what I remeber with my mom, let alone simple facts I know. And I haven’t gone older than 5.

Xoxo Mama Bee